As the editor of the biggest men’s magazine in the world, I am privy to something many women rarely hear – straightforward, uninhibited guy talk.

Don’t be so shocked – guys do actually talk, and not just about Tom Brady’s quarterback rating. Most women think their man is the strong, silent type (or maybe the oblivious, silent type), and they wonder why he doesn’t share his feelings.

But here’s the truth: Men do want to open up, about their hopes, their fears, and their passions. Yet put him alone in a room with you, and he often turns into a Sphinx.

Why can’t he take his eyes off the TV and talk about the state of the relationship, or the finances, or, heck, the backyard landscaping? Why in the world can’t he just summarize his day for 10 minutes?

In fact, one in five women say that they typically fight about a man’s lack of verbal interaction, and 30 percent of men say their failure to communicate is the source of major conflict in the relationship. Why is it this way?

Here’s one answer: Because even men who have feelings to share don’t always feel comfortable sharing them with their partner. These are some of the reasons why some men often prefer to zip it, rather than delivering the goods:

Guys Are A Little Intimidated
No question, women are expert communicators. They throw questions like Oprah after her third cup of coffee; they’re connecting on all cylinders. And like the divine Ms. W, women bring a lot of skill to their game: A special awareness of the people-scape around them, a keen set of emotions keyed to that awareness, and a rich vocabulary they use to talk about anything at anytime.

And they’re always practicing their Q&A skills on their many friends, so they’re in top talk mode all the time. Men know this. And they also know that more than one-third of women say that men simply can’t relate and don’t understand women. The result: Men are afraid of saying too much, because saying the wrong thing may get them into more trouble than Lindsay Lohan as a designated driver.

Guys Need To Decompress
Woman’s view: When a man walks in the door, he ought to cough up some of the details about his day. After all, it’s been 10 hours since they’ve communicated, not counting the two IMs, three voice mails, and one actual mid-day conversation.

Man’s view: Can I please make a beeline to the bathroom? When men reach home, it’s like those ultra-marathoners staggering across the finish line in Death Valley. The last thing they want to do is discuss how bright the sunlight was, and how scarce the water stops were.

Further up on his want-to-do list after arriving home: 14 percent of men want to check email, 12 percent are looking for a little private time in the bathroom, and 10 percent simply want to eat dinner. The common theme here: After they’ve spent a day serving the needs of others, they want to take care of themselves a little.

So when a man is hit with a demand for conversation so closely after returning from the stressful environment of work, he has only one gear left to shift into, and sometimes it’s reverse. He’s retreat, retreat, retreat.

Guys Are More Comfortable With Actions Than Feelings
Rather than talking about how he “feels,” often a man would rather express his love by changing her oil, or bringing home a flower, or relinquishing control of the remote.

And when men do talk, they’d prefer to talk about actions rather than emotions. For instance, a lot of guys would choose to express their long-range faith in a relationship by talking about next summer’s vacation plans, not by launching into a soliloquy about undying love.

Both conversations can mean the same thing (that he plans on sticking around); he just prefers to say it with plane tickets, rather than poetry. It’s one of the reasons men are more comfortable talking at work (the practical universe) than they are at home (the castle that emotion built). But you can bring out his great communicator by making him feel more like he’s operating in work mode, even when the topic at hand is your love life. Here’s an incredible article, “The Home Office,” that shows how he can use his best office skills for great success at home.

Guys Don’t Want To Be Put On The Spot
When men talk less and women want more, the scenario can escalate. Like when the bad cop is pummeling the reluctant witness, more silence equals more questions. A full 65 percent of men we surveyed recently told us they don’t want their partners to ask them more questions about themselves.

It’s clear that some men are just plain tired of feeling like they’re on the witness stand. They’re not necessarily hiding anything; many guys simply prefer not to have to relate confusing feelings that they may not even understand themselves.

“It’s naturally a time of high stress and high expectations,” says Carol J. Bruess, PhD, the director of family studies at the University of St. Thomas, in St. Paul, Minn., and coauthor of What Happy Couples Do: Belly Button Fuzz & Bare-Chested Hugs—The Loving Little Rituals of Romance. “Our culture creates images of the perfect gathering, the perfect feast, the perfect happy family gathered around the tree, the perfect couple exchanging perfectly thoughtful gifts.”

The reality, of course, is nowhere near perfect.

However, just as much as planning ahead will enable you to handle all the shopping and cookie-making, it can also help you to troubleshoot any potential relationship drama—and nip it in the bud before you’re tempted to put coal in your guy’s stocking. Thanks to this expert advice, the only romantic issue you’ll have this December is where to hang the mistletoe.

The problem: Having expectations that are too high

The solution: Be honest about what you really need—but don’t ask for the moon

The most common mistake people in relationships make around the holidays? Having expectations that are too high—and not voicing them. “People often think their significant others should be able to read their minds,” says psychiatrist Mark Goulston, MD, the author of Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone.

But, as he points out, it’s unreasonable to expect your significant other to automatically know what you want, and that will leave you feeling resentful when he doesn’t live up to your unspoken hopes. Preempt a problem by making an effort to be clear about what you’d like him to do for you this December.

But if it’s your partner who tends to get upset because you can’t guess whether there are visions of sugarplums dancing in his head, ask him, “What can I do to make sure this is a special Christmas for you?” Bruess puts it this way: “If you talk with each other in a frank and honest way about what you do expect, you can help each other bring those high expectations down so the experience can be more positive.”

Not every relationship hides a secret, but plenty of people face similar decisions about how much they should tell a new companion. Some confidential information can’t stay that way forever—if you take daily medication or if you have a condition withvisible symptoms , for example. Other events in your medical history, such as addictions, mental illness, past surgeries, and health scares, can easily remain a secret—but should they?

If you’re considering telling your partner about a health secret, here are eight tips to help you spill the beans.

1. Practice what to say
Before you drop a bomb on a potential mate, rehearse your speech with a trusted friend or visit a therapist to talk it through, suggests Ken Robbins, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin–Madison.

“It’s good to have somebody as a sounding board in a situation like this,” he says. “How you handle this is not something your partner is likely to forget.”

Laurie Davis, an online dating expert based in New York and Boston, suggests asking a friend what sounds most intimidating about your condition and getting his or her advice on how to smooth it over. Getting a second opinion can help you decide how much to say (and when and where to say it), and running through your script a few times can make you more comfortable sharing your story.

“You don’t want to overwhelm your partner but you want to be sure to give him or her all of the important facts,” Davis says. “You should definitely practice before you tell your match, or you’ll most likely fumble through the conversation uncomfortably.”

Mark Snyder, a 32-year-old writer from New York City, used to dread telling a new boyfriend that he was a recovering alcoholic. “I don’t think I was ever able to shake off the feeling I was springing the information on him, usually when we were either out to dinner and he wanted to order a bottle of wine, or at a party where alcohol was introduced,” he says. “I often blurted out, ‘Oh, I don’t drink. Sorry.’”

That changed, however, as he got used to talking about his condition. “As time went on, and I got more comfortable with this side of my life, so did the ease with which I told a man not to expect a tequila-scented smooch at the end of the night,” he says. “I realize my blurting-it-out style was my own insecurities about sobriety. I celebrate it now.”

2. Never tell on a first date
“Never tell someone on a first date,” Davis says. “The results will never be favorable.”

Dr. Robbins seconds that, especially if you’re worried that your health secret “is likely to define you before the person has gotten a chance to know you at all.”

That doesn’t mean you should lie—just let your partner get to know you first. “[Revealing too much too soon] may color how your partner sees you,” Dr. Robbins says. “It defines you before you’re ready to be defined.”

Jenny*, a 25-year-old graduate student from New York, had a breast augmentation when she was 19. “I don’t really bring it up, not when I’m first dating people,” she says. “But I’ve had people ask and I’m always honest with them. I wouldn’t see a reason to keep it a secret, especially if we’re getting serious.”

If you’re worried that your health secret might be a deal-breaker, you’ll want to ‘fess up by the fourth date, says Rachel A. Sussman, LCSW, a New York City therapist and relationship expert. That way, if your secret does make a big difference, you won’t have wasted too much of their time—or yours.

“Of course it can be painful, but if that’s the case, it’s better to know before you get too involved,” Sussman says. “It’s complicated if you withhold it and they find out too late. Dishonesty can ruin a potentially good relationship.”

Jill*, the 33-year-old from New York City, is currently in a long-distance relationship. However, she hasn’t told him about her bipolar disorder—yet.

“Too much too soon is not a good thing…. [But] I truly believe when you share a life with someone, you need to be in it together,” she says. “Men go bald; women gain weight after pregnancy. It’s not all roses and Champagne.”

3. Be casual yet confident
So exactly how does one reveal a secret without just blurting it out? “It’s hard not to kill the mood with your health secret, because it’s probably not something that can be easily segued from a topic you would normally discuss,” Davis says. She recommends a conversation bridge, such as, “I feel like we’re heading in a great direction, so I wanted to tell you something.”

Just don’t overdo it: “You don’t want to frame this in a way that ends up making a bigger deal of something you don’t want made into a big deal,” Dr. Robbins says. In other words, make your delivery as drama free as possible.

Allison*, a 30-year-old marketer from Baltimore, tries to casually tell dates about her multiple sclerosis (MS).

“Usually I’ll work it into another aspect of our conversation,” she says. “It’s a lot easier to tell someone I have MS as a side note in a conversation than to sit down and have a formal discussion focused solely on MS.”

However, even a casual, well-prepared speech doesn’t always meet with success.

“One guy just clammed up and didn’t want to say anything or go anywhere because, in his eyes, I might get hurt,” Allison* says. “And another guy became very controlling and tried to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing for my health. Um, you’re not my doctor, dude.”

Allison’s dates probably have their heart in the right place. “They’re trying to be helpful because they care about her,” Dr. Robbins says. He suggests that she have a confident, straightforward response about how she would like them to react; something like: “I don’t see this as something that defines me—but if I need help, please leave it to me to ask.”

4. Don’t have this conversation in bed—or anyplace you associate with intimacy
Although this is a good guideline to follow when dealing with all types of relationship secrets, there’s only one instance in which it is a hard-and-fast rule, Sussman says: “Don’t wait until you’re naked in bed with someone to tell them you have an STD.”

That’s true for any condition, Davis adds. But Dr. Robbins notes that if your health secret is a sexually transmitted disease (STD), you’re going to have to open up to someone sooner rather than later.

“If it’s something that’s going to have a direct effect on your partner, it’s something you’re going to want to talk about sooner, as opposed to an illness that isn’t contagious,” Dr. Robbins says. “If it’s something like hepatitis C, you really do have to talk about that very early.”

Amy, a 29-year-old graphic artist from Chicago, jokes that hepatitis C is the only thing she has in common with Pamela Anderson. But she’s serious when it comes to telling boyfriends about her illness, which she got through a blood transfusion at birth.

“There is less than a 3% chance of transmission within a monogamous relationship, but I’ve always been truthful and upfront about it, whether I ended up in a sexual relationship with someone or not,” she says. “They have a right to know.”

An ideal place to tell someone about your health secret—whether it’s a communicable disease or any other condition—is a park, Davis says. Just make sure there’s no one within earshot.

“Do not tell your partner during intimacy. Telling your partner your health secret means you are opening up to them, trusting them, and becoming more vulnerable,” she says. “The place you choose to tell them should reflect this.”

5. Seek out relationships online
If you tend to meet potential partners through online networks such as Facebook or Match.com, you shouldn’t hint in your profile that you’re concealing a health secret. However, if you’re nervous about rejection or misunderstandings, you might be more comfortable dating someone with similar health issues.

6. Know when to give your partner space
Even if you do your best to deliver a snag-free speech, it’s possible that there could be an awkward moment. “[If that happens], say, ‘I can tell by your expression that this is a lot to digest and I completely understand, and I’ll give you the time and space to do that,’” Sussman says.

Then, offer some physical distance but stay in contact, Davis says. “Give them the following day to breathe and think,” she suggests. “Call them on the third day if they haven’t reached out to you. Let them know that they are still on your mind and you can’t wait to see them again.”

They tell everyone and anyone they’re givin’ up soda, hittin’ the gym, keepin’ the garage clean. Hear me, hear me, I’m going to change! Usually, though, these resolutions stick about as well as wet masking tape.

Instead, this year, try changing up a few resolutions so you can focus on your partner, and do so (here’s the catch) without telling them what’s coming. Why? Because your moves will be a whole lot more effective if your partner never sees them coming. The benefits: You’ll improve your relationships, score major points, and make someone other than yourself feel good, too.

Resolution #1: I Will Worship The Foot

There’s nothing wrong with the traditional body parts we may focus our attention on. But if there’s one thing that couples crave more and more as the relationship grows, it’s non-sexual touch – touching that’s sensual with a touch of sexual.

Give your partner regular foot massages (without being prompted), and my bet is that other kinds of touching will increase. Dramatically.

Resolution #2: I Will Be An Online Auction Hawk

You know a relationship is in a rut when the gifts become more mundane than Weather Channel background music. This year – be it for your partner’s next birthday or Valentine’s day or the next gift-giving event – take some time to really nail it.

Figure out something meaningful from their life and track down a unique item that hits the sentiment perfectly. You’ll have to use your imagination and sleuthing skills to come up with a great idea, but you’ll score big. Thoughtfulness will always trump another Best Buy gift card.

Resolution #3: I Will Initiate Romance More Often Than My Partner For One Month

I know, I know – you may already be doing so. But if not, make it a point to initiate the romance more often, because chances are, if your partner’s doing all of it, then he probably feels a mix of fatigue and frustration. If you can initiate more, he’ll give back what you want in the bedroom – ad infinitum. It’s the things he craves – and you will, too.

Resolution #4: I Will Replace The Sink Soap

Too often, we get caught up in the relationship biggies – money, sex, communication. Of course, those hot buttons can be the source of many a fight. But you’ll go a long way in smoothing out kinks in the relationship by making a conscious effort to put the seat down, put the roll on, clean the dried milk from the counter, or whatever it is that your partner finds to be your little, nagging problems. Fixing the little problems helps solve the big ones.

Resolution #5: I Will Not Let My Partner See Me Naked

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with showing off your body, especially if you’re also making a resolution to lose a few pounds. For the easiest and most effective way to a sexier you, this article will help you lose weight and look great without ever being on a diet by choosing the best foods each and every time!

But what you’ll be doing here is building up the mystery until your partner absolutely has to see you naked. Have a robe, or sheet, or pair of pants all around you, until it’s absolutely time to disrobe. The build-up, the anticipation, the mystery – ah, it’s the nectar of new relationships that often gets spoiled in old ones.

Have other ideas for keeping your relationship hot? Share them here.

I’m in the no-spanking camp myself, figuring I can’t teach children that hitting is bad if I’m doing it myself. But that doesn’t mean I’ve never given a balky toddler a swat on the fanny. Now that my daughter is in first grade, I wouldn’t dream of smacking her. My challenges come more in trying to figure out how to reward appropriate behavior.

So I was fascinated by new research in the journal Child Development that followed a total of about 750 children from ages 5 to 16 and looked at how parents’ choices of discipline in childhood were tied to teenage behavior. Researchers found that the children whose parents put aside physical discipline over the years demonstrated much less antisocial behavior than those whose parents continued to use harsh or moderate physical discipline. The physically disciplined children also had much poorer relationships with their parents. Of course, there’s no evidence that the lack of spanking caused the improved behavior. It could be, for instance, that problem kids are more likely to be spanked and also more likely to be problem teens. “More difficult children elicit more punitive behavior in their parents,” says Jennifer Lansford, who led the study. Researchers tried to factor that out by adjusting the results if children were considered badly behaved as 5-year-olds, as well as the family’s socioeconomic status. Inherited behavior traits could also be a factor, says Lansford, a developmental psychologist and associate research professor at Duke University’s Center for Child and Family Policy.

What’s new and intriguing in this work is that the researchers found that most parents back off on physical discipline as children move into the later elementary school grades. In other words, most parents pick up on the fact that as their children become more sophisticated in their thinking and behavior, their own approach to discipline has to grow up, too. For whatever reason, the parents who can’t or won’t make that shift—and keep hitting—are the ones who are more likely to have problem teenagers.

The good news: There are time-tested methods that work to discipline children without smacking them. They’ve been tested on children of all personality types and even work for children with serious behavior problems. The big secrets? Praise works better than punishment in teaching children proper behavior. But not just any praise. It needs to be:

• Superenthusiastic
• Specific to the desired behavior
• Reinforced with a smile or a touch
• Frequent
• And immediately following the desired behavior (“Wow, you did a great job clearing the table!”)